Monday, January 23, 2006
Sometimes life takes you for a spin...a spin you cannot describe. I cant find my mind...its buried in memories that dont make sense, memories i'd thought i'd forgotten long ago... no one can understand the happiness and pain that old memories bring. memories of an unrevivable past life. i cant explain the feelings of derangement that all these thoughts bring.... maybe someday i can figure myself out...until then...i just wanna live
Posted at 07:21 pm by Jen
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Posted at 06:08 pm by Jen
Have you ever felt so completely happy...yet you know something in your life is drastically wrong? yet you cant contemplate the thought of letting it go, because it is beyond your imagination of possibly giving it up. i cant fathom being without this love, or being in another series of events where no one seems to care. i know without a shadow of a doubt that im in love, yet i cant seem to hold onto being content. Still my thoughts seem to be a puzzled daze, and i dont want to feel the world around me. why cant i just put my thoughts together, and get out of this terrible and unknown realm of rejection. Just like the wind, ive always been...drifting higher than the sky that never ends...through thick and thin, i never win. but i will fight both life and death to save her. i will face my destiny everyday i live...and the best of me is all i have to give.....
Posted at 05:42 pm by Jen
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY I LOVE YOU!!!
Posted at 07:51 pm by Jen
Thursday, November 24, 2005
I didnt eat till i got sick, i didnt laugh at stupid things on tv, i didnt enjoy the company of people i love... i sat, staring at the snow, missing the love of my life on thanksgiving. i despise being alone on the holidays, though im surrounded by people, all i want is the one that makes me the happiest girl in the entire world. why cant it just be simple. but i long for the day when i get to hold that special one and run my hand across the cheek of the one i will spend my entire life with. how many times must i sit empty handed and feel surreal and empty hearted. how many times must i watch while people gather in couples and share their lives with each other, while im alone. the days and hours and minutes are uncountable, as well as the months and years. one day i will be able to finally smile and embrace my own with warm arms, being one with love and serenity, until then i will sit and waits, hoping that it comes sooner than i imagine, and dreaming of the moment i will finally be happy.
Posted at 09:39 pm by Jen
Friday, October 07, 2005
I know its been a long time... i didnt want to post another entry that everyone pities me over... i dont want to be the center of attention, and i dont want you to feel sorry for me... this is merely my place to release my bottled emotion... if you dont like it please dont read it.....
I miss my best friend... i guess things change and some people are merely here for a season... but Erica and I were inseperable... and now i feel completely replaced... i never hear from her, and when i do, its only for a few seconds.... she has a new best friend now and i new boyfriend, and have i heard any about either one? not at all. i know we have to move on in life... it just breaks my heart to see the one person who has always been there for me slipping farther and farther from my fingertips.... i will ALWAYS love you Lucky.
Im losing so many people at once, i feel completely and utterly forgotten and alone. I dont know how to channel my feelings, or who to run to, because the people that i normally run to arent there for me anymore. i find myself trying to run to people that were in my life in the past, who really dont give a shit what im saying or what i need or who the heck i am. i dont feel like there is a soul in the world who really wants me the way i am, i dont feel wanted or needed or even the least bit loved... people say that love me, but its so cliche.... I need reality... but i guess i have to accept that lonliness is my new reality...........
Posted at 12:15 am by Jen
Friday, August 26, 2005
Im sick and tired of being accused of things i dont do.... sick and tired of people who are my "friends" only when they want something from me. Sick and TIRED of all of the SHIT that fills my life and head every day.... sick and tired of feeling like im a worthless piece of dirt because people dont know how to be hospitable and trustworthy... sick and tired of everything... i just want to die, make it all be over, be one with death and forget everything in this world. im overcome with bitterness because of each and every thing in this world... SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL IM LIVING IN!!!!!
Posted at 12:51 am by Jen
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Wow.... Sorry its been a very long time... i get so carried away in life i forget to write it all down. i just Got back from Church Camp... It was amazing, God showed me so many things in my life that needed to change. and he called me to ministry!! i am now filling out my applications to work at Global Youth Camps. I feel i need to work with youth and i feel that God is calling me to this mission. If you want to help me get there, and you can, I need anyone that is willing to pledge 50 dollars a month for 10 months to help get me to Americamp Staff next summer. i have to raise 4000 dollars. not only do i need funding support, i need all of your prayers. This mission is not going to be easy to attain, but all things are possible through Christ who is my strength, and i know that he will take me where he wants me to go :)
Also i want to just say that Its not been an easy week, God broke me in many ways, i feel so entirely helpless, but thats most likely where i need to be. because in my weakness then i am really strong! I quit smoking, and started quiet times, And im just On fire for God, and cant WAIT to be on mission for him!!!!!!! YAY GOD!!!
Posted at 12:47 pm by Jen